*Insert slow clap here*
I feel like I have accomplished something big… yeah! I’m making a human..that’s freaking huge! The belly is getting harder to suck in now so I just let it out in all it’s glory. Wow, you got big fast… nope, just stopped sucking it in.
Its been a lie this whole time, a massive Spanx lie muahahahaha.
I am living in tights. I literally just don’t even care. I will wear them to the shops, to the gym, out to dinner, any where I need to go that other people will be. I just don’t care. Comfort is what I need and tights give ’em to me. I bought my first pair of Maternity Jeans and OMG – where have you been??? LOVE! The guy at the counter says, oh congratulations… bitch please, maybe I’m just fat and love stretch jean tops, did you ever think about that..hmmm? HMMMMM? No. PS probs not allowed back at Target. Oversized Tees, tights, my new jeans and converse shoes are my staple items for now, until the time that I need to wear a Mu Mu (imagine Homer Simpson in the Obese Episode). Sexay!
I have started to feel the ‘flutters’ that mums say they get, that or I have really bad gas, which is most definitely a possibility.
“Oooo I can feel the baby move! Really? Let me feel…oh nope, don’t worry, it was a fart!” False alarm everyone, false alarm!
We have our next scan in 3 weeks to find our if this human is a dude or a chick. My bets are on the female but Greg seems to think otherwise. He is determined to call his son Luke Skywalker.. Ummm no. Not on my watch buddy (never seen a Star Wars movie in my life, not going to start now).
The last scan I had I drank way to much water and seeing as I can’t pee fully, I was in so much pain I though I was going to explode with urine. Out of that I did have a ruptured Cyst that required a bit of hospital time but the little human was ok and I was given some strong painkillers (cue Constipation AGAIN). Thank god for Movicol, I am pretty sure I could be their Ambassador for the amount I have consumed in the past 16 weeks.
So what happens next? I am clueless. I have no idea what to do or who to see. Who tells you what to do? The doctor, your mum? I know I’ll google it… what to do when pregnant?? Oh awesome, a birthing video… awwwwww cute..
HOLY JESUS MOTHER OF GOD!
Do not google Childbirth, I repeat, do not look up Child birth at all… Shit!