Anxiety Has Kicked In.

I am officially freaking out – like full on can’t breathe freak out.

I had my first hospital appointment a few days ago and what an experience that was. I spent a total of 4 hours at a public hospital and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for the free health care but why could my bambino not wait another month so I could have used my private health care that I had been paying an absolute fortune for only not to be able to use it as I have only had it for 11 months. This is my whinge – WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I still have my moments of not being happy about it but it is what it is and I have accepted that I will have my baby in a public hospital. Of course I have my monthly whinge to my fiancé and I am sure he is getting the shits with me but still – I need someone to be sympathetic to me and he is the only one around!

I arrived at the hospital and waited a good hour and a half to be seen by a midwife. During this time, I saw not 1 but 2 women without shoes on. Where are your goddamn shoes woman, who are you? Not only do they not have shoes but their personal hygiene was less to be desired – I’d recommend Rexona but hey, one can’t be picky!

I finally went in, met the midwife and felt like I was so rushed I didn’t answer her 154 questions correctly. I’m lucky to have had the opportunity to have a student midwife accept me as one of her patients (to help finish her degree) so felt a bit more at ease but the anxiety well and truly set in. Have you been pregnant before? Have you been treated for depression? Are you dependant on illicent drugs? Have you been in an abusive relationship previously? Do you feel safe around your partner? What the actual f@$k??? These were asked so fast I can’t even remember what I said yes or no to? I had an anxiety attack right there in that tiny little office.

Yes, I have been treated for anxiety and depression in the past due to an abusive relationship many many years ago. I was on medication for 3 years and during that time I weaned myself off this said medication as I needed to be me again, I was a different person and one that I didn’t want to be any more. I had a mental illness as they called it, but didn’t feel mental. Weird. I haven’t been on any medication or needed any medical advice for well over 3 years now yet still I have to acknowledge with this midwife that I do still have anxiety. How do you handle this she says, relaxation and calmness that’s how. Oh, so no medication? Umm no, have you not listed to anything I have just spent 10 minutes telling you?? Grrrrr I was getting so frustrated. Thankfully my student midwife is amazing and was able to move the rest of the questions along nicely.

I have made all my appointments for the rest of my pregnancy and they have been split up between the hospital, the midwifery clinic and my GP. Some sort of order at least. Now just to get through the next 16 weeks and I will be fine. It will all be worth it once I have this little human in my arms.

I’m ok. I can deal with what is thrown at me, I’m just not sure I can deal with what questions the health system are going to ask me next time!

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