It's a Maybe. For Now.

Never in my prime child bearing years had I thought about having a child. Didn't even cross my mind. I was going to be one of those 50 year old women who spent all her money on botox and plastic surgery, ate at different restaurants every weekend and had tried all brands of wine to recommend to my other glorious friends.

Well, we all know how that plan is going. Nowhere. I am a 34 year old woman, married to my amazing husband and the mum to an almost 1 year old. So yeah, you could say that the plan I had envisaged at 24 has pretty much been ripped out of the book, scrunched up into a tight ball and thrown in the bin. Was I upset about it? No. Was it where I imagined my life going? No. Did I love where I was it? Hell yes.

Now back to the 'having a child' thing. It has never been a secret I was happy to be childless, which is completely fine but when I was told I COULDN'T have a child without some medical help, I WANTED a child. It's strange you always want what you can't have.

So here we are, living life with the most amazing little human that WE made and just loving everything that she is and what she does. Just doing life the best we can. NOW. I don't know if it's because she is such a little champ and all round good kid OR if it's seeing all these ladies announcing their second pregnancies that my brain is on overload and making me think of the possibilities of number #2. 

Here I was thinking I'd stick with the one child, give her all my time and attention and it would just be the 3 of us, BUT, I am actually thinking if we COULD have another baby. I know the husband is wanting another one but I am still unsure. One day I am adamant I am happy with the one and then the next day, I imagine how I would add another seat to the pram or how big the room would have to be to fit 2 cots. My mind is going crazy over so many points. Am I mentally ready for another one? Some days I think yes, others I think absolutely not. I struggle some days with Willow, to be patient with her and understand her movements, I wonder if I'm doing the right things like feeding her certain foods or playing games and reading with her. How would that change adding another little bebe to our crazy clan? Could I do it? And what about love? What happens if I didn't love the second child as much as my first? How can you possibly love them so equally? And then what about the sickness I'd feel while pregnant AND having to look after Willow? Would she feel neglected if I was unwell? Arghhh so many questions to myself (and the poor man I married).

I was so sick while pregnant with Willow, I had a terrible pregnancy and her birth was traumatic for me. Could I do it again? I don't know. I think about how I felt while pregnant and one side of my brain tells me to stop being an idiot and suck it up, the other side tells me to really think about the pros and cons before deciding to have another baby to make sure I'm mentally ready and prepared. 

At the beginning I didn't want any children, now I think of having another one. Who am I?

Having Willow, I think, has changed me. She has softened my heart and opened it up to possibly love another little bebe. But then I think about the what if's. What if we really can't have another one and falling pregnant with Willow was a one off, a miracle? What if I finally have my heart set on number #2 and it never happens? What if I leave it too long and make it harder the older I get? I'm not exactly 25 years old anymore. I'm not sure I could handle the heartbreak. I just don't know.

When someone asks if we will have another child, I say MAYBE. I say maybe because I may change my mind once and for all, without doubts, without fear and without judgement or I may have been given my one and only chance of being a mum when I had Willow.

So yeah, its a Maybe. For now. 

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