Have you ever heard of a Clusterf$%k?
You know those days where every bloody thing goes wrong and you think to yourself, seriously, can anything else go wrong today… and then you run out of wine. Yup. That was my day.
It started at 5:30ish am, Willow had been up again last night due to this shitty flu that is circulating and freeflowing snot is everywhere in our household. Because of said snot, I don’t sleep. I don’t sleep because I am an over worrier and fear she will choke on her snot in her sleep and I’ll be asleep and won’t be able to save her.
I’m up to her every hour or 2 with saline spray and snotsucker thingy ready to save the day (but not saving my sanity because I’m so f#$king tired).
So we get up, go downstairs and sort breakfast. I make Willow her usual cereal/porridge looking thing and like I do every morning, shovel a teaspoon of probiotics into. For some reason, my hands decided to lose their ability to do ANYTHING and as I’m transporting the powder to her cereal, I knock the spoon out of my own hand and tip it into the sink. F&*k. Ok, I’ll get another one. Oh, lets knock the whole jar over, that’s a fun thing to do. F#$K. Yeah whatevs, who needs a $60 powder anyway. F$%k me.
It’s ok. I have a new coffee machine which means delish orgasmic coffee goodness. Oh sweet, cup doesn’t fit. All good, I’ll put it on an angle. Coffee everywhere. F&*K.
F$%k it, I’m having tea. Tea never does this to me. Tea likes me.
The morning goes on and I look at my super untidy house, I really did need that Kindy day but that’s another story (husband takes day off work, says don’t put child into daycare as he will look after her, then goes to work... F$%k.) House is a shambles, haven’t got anything out for dinner and the bebe needs to sleep. I give her a bottle, put her down and she is out…for 20 minutes. How is she not tired?? We were clearly up at the same times last night?? I’m tired. I’m VERY tired. SLEEP CHILD, SLEEP!
I bring her downstairs and put her in the jail (playpen), she can play with her gazillion toys while I try and clean the kitchen. Can I do that? Prfttt are you f%&king kidding woman? Absolutely not. As the mini is so sick at the moment (poor little human), she wants to be with me EVERY. SECOND. OF. THE DAY. I sit in the playpen and look at my shit fight of a kitchen.
Ok, Ok, I’ll put Moana on. That will keep her mind off me being 2 metres away. Nope. Don’t be stupid. Cue tears. Cue excess snot. Cue me rolling my eyes back into my head.
We play, we go for a walk, we practice walking (her, not me. I’m very proficient with this act of walking). Ok, let’s sort lunch. In the highchair, start up Moana again and start feeding her. OMG sit down Willow. We don’t stand in the highchair, it’s dangerous. F%&K YOU MUM, I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DANGER!
I have to strap her in, cue deathly screams which I’m pretty sure the neighbours now think I’m a murdering housewife. I have to hold her hands down to feed her. Seriously? What is happening here? She has to be tired. It’s the only other explanation apart from her being unwell. Ok, bottle and nap it is. Woooo we got 35 minutes guys, raise the bloody alarm!
Back downstairs and more playtime. I’ll let her just walk around and do her own thing, everything is pretty babysafe so we are ok. Wrong. Where did she find nailclippers?? I don’t even think they are ours?? Oh but don’t take them off her, cue screams for a good 5 minutes. I know, I’ll play the rest of Moana (plus I really want to see how it ends). It’s playing, Willow is loving it, I’m into it then it freezes. IT F#$KING FREEZES. WHYYYYYYYYYY??? Restart. Power Off. Power On. Fast Forward. Skip. Nothing is working. DOES SHE GET THE GREEN EYE THINGY TO THE FUCKING CAVE???? Arghhhhh why. Willow actually doesn’t care but I’m devastated.
Shit. It’s 5:30pm, better get dinner sorted for her. Put her into the highchair, strap her in (not getting out this time Houdini) and get her food sorted. I scoop the perfect amount of rissoni onto the spoon. It’s almost at her mouth and then, its on the floor where the dog is now proceeding to eat it clean. I think I got about 10 mouthfuls which I’m taking as a win today.
Bath time was ok. I did step on her wet nappy while trying to wrangle a slippery human but if that’s as bad as it gets, I’ll take it.
Oh yeah, BED TIME PEOPLE!!!!! By this stage, she is so overtired, she is becoming delirious. I put the diffuser on, lather her up with all the oils and lay her down to give her a bottle. Yeah, no. We aren’t playing where is the dummy? I can see it in your hair mate. You always put it there. Yes, it’s still funny everytime. Lay down, close your eyes and drink your bottle.
Finally finish the bottle and I sit there patting her. No. Don’t touch me mum. Don’t speak to me. Don’t put your hand on my back. Don’t play with my hair. Don’t look at me. Oh, but don’t leave the room. Don’t even DARE think about leaving the room.
It took and hour and 30 minutes to get her to sleep. I only know this because her Elephant Lullaby thing plays for 15 minutes and I pushed the f*#king thing 6 times. Phone had died during this time. It knew. It was like, screw you guys, I’m out. Ok. She’s asleep. I walk out so slowly as to not to wake her and then the wipes packet mysteriously falls to the floor. Aaaaand she’s awake. F#$K. Another 15 minutes and she is out. I’d like to say for the night but I’m not that hopeful.
I go downstairs, clean the kitchen, turn the TV off (because what’s the point if Moana doesn’t work) and have a shower. I sat in there crying for 20 minutes. This day has seriously clusterf*&ked me over. I am so exhausted and tired. I can’t watch Moana and I forgot to eat dinner. Then the toothbrush falls from the shower shelving and hits me on the head (which I’m sure is a secret murdering ploy from hubby).
Today was not my day. And there was no wine. That’s it, I’m going to bed.