Well, here we are again. Another loss and I am honestly over it.
Part of me is sad, the other half is like 'Really?? C'mon man, that's just shit'.
After we lost our first baby last year, I needed time to restart. I was feeling defeated and while watching my friends announce their pregnancies or others having babies, I smiled and kept going about my days all while trying to hide how I was really feeling... really sad. That should have been me, I should have been holding my baby instead of thinking of the what ifs. Don't get me wrong, I love that others around me are starting these new chapters in their lives, it's beautiful and I have so much love BUT I can't help thinking about the 'why'.
I kept going, I worked harder to keep busy, I focussed on being the best person for my daughter, I shared my experience with others in hopes of being the voice they needed to hear to help them know it's ok. I did this while trying to have another baby. We did a huge trip to Japan, the one that we were going to postpone when we found out I was pregnant. It was the trip we needed and within the month home, I was pregnant again. I did a test, they were faint lines but they were there. 2 pink lines. Was I excited? No. I was scared shitless. I had been here before. I had seen those 2 lines, I had thought of the ways I would tell my husband. I was fearful that this was going to end in the exact same way as my last pregnancy did. I was wrong. It did end though, but not like last time.
I woke up with that all too familiar cramping, there was spotting and in my heart I knew. This was it. This was the reason I didn't get excited. This is the reason I didn't start preparing my life as a mum of two. Within moments, what felt like 5 seconds but in reality was 30 minutes, I was crouched down in our bedroom, feeling cramps like never before, feeling a pain that took over my whole body. What happened next was heartbreaking. I passed my baby. I felt sick and I couldn't breath as I knew I had just flushed what was the sac down the toilet. It was gone. I had lost another baby and I was pissed off. I sat there thinking 'Are you f$@king kidding me??..again??'
I walked downstairs to my husband, told him calmly I needed to go to the hospital and in that moment, he knew. I was sad, but I was more angry. The rest of the day was full of tests, scans, ultrasounds, all the things that confirmed I had a second miscarriage. I cried. Not like last time though, I think it was more out of frustration than anything. Once again, I felt like my body hated me. Not only will you take one baby from me, but hey, how about two. Yeah, why not?
I had to tell my friends and family we had lost another baby, I had to explain to Willow she wasn't going to be a big sister yet. I had to wait for my body to go back to some sort of normality and for the hormones that were still surging through my body to stop taking over my life. The weird thing was, that I didn't cry often. I told my story to people that asked, but I didn't cry. I think because I had been through it before I was prepared for the emotions I might feel.
The last time was so crushing for me, I didn't feel I could get any lower or feel so heartbroken. I withdrew from my life and I was a numb, shell of a person. I think because after everything I felt and went through last time, I still made out the other end ok. I knew I could do it again because I had already been through the shittiest part. I was ok.
I had attended a friends baby's funeral not long after my last miscarriage. He was 7 weeks old and had inoperable malignant tumours throughout his body. I was able to help them out with organising funding for the funeral and in a way, it was the start of MY grieving process. I watched them say goodbye to their little angel and my heart broke into pieces. I cried for them but in some way, it unlocked this sadness I had kind of kept under wraps, the sadness I had to feel to move on. I think of my friends and know how lucky and grateful I am for what I have. I may have experienced loss, but I wasn't the only one. And THAT'S why we need to share our stories.
I recently had to experience my first 'due date' for my lost babies. That's really sad. The could haves, or the what ifs. That's the worst. I walked around with a golf ball sized lump in my throat all day, trying to be brave for our family. Once I was alone, sitting on the floor of my shower, in the dark, I cried. I cried because I should have been holding my baby, watching them grow everyday, looking at it's little lips while I kissed them. I cried until my eyes stung and my neck muscles ached, until my throat hurt and my head felt like it would explode. It took a whole 40 weeks for me to be able to grieve my babies. Knowing I have to go through another 'due date' is so exhausting but like I have continued to tell myself, 'You are ok'. 'It's not the end' and 'they will send you a strong and determined baby when it's ready'.
Secondary Infertility is the worst. Not once, but twice.
'You'll be ok, at least you have one child'
'My mothers aunties brothers wife had a miscarriage and went on to have a healthy baby'
'It's rare to have 2 miscarriages, you'll be fine now you've had one already'
'Your age is a factor hey?'
'When are you having another one?'
'Your daughter would love a little sibling, you make such cute kids'
Don't say these things. We don't need reassurance, we give ourselves pep talks all the time. We need you to just say 'you know what, that sucks and it's not fair. You are strong, you are fierce and you are a fighter. I'm here for you and have a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen when you need'. That's it.
I decided to give my body a break and try again closer to the end of the year. Am I worried it could happen again? Yes. Absolutely. Am I prepared? No. Not at all. But what I am confident in, is that I can take whatever is thrown at me, good or bad.