Such A Boob.

Gone are the days of my perfectly enhanced boobs (yes, I have fakies) and here they now sit, heavier, fuller and resting on my tummy. Sure they look great in a bra but leaving these bad boys out in their natural state, not so awesome.

I had my boobs done mid 2014, I had no plans on having a baby so I thought, why not? You have been hanging to have them don e for over 10 years so go ahead, you go get that rack you always wanted. At least I had a good 2 years with them before they changed and now, feed my little bebe. I work in the Cosmetic surgery industry and was forever telling clients that they should wait until AFTER having children as to be honest, it would be a waste of money to pay for these awesome boobs and then only have them ruined by pregnancy and breastfeeding (mind you, I didn’t actually KNOW if that was the case as I hadn’t yet had children and only imagined that is what happened). It wasn’t until I fell pregnant that my boobs went from a perky 10D to a ginormous (for me anyway) 12F. WHAT THE F$%K???

My boobs were no longer mine, they were taken over by hormones and baby. Was I ok with it? Well, I didn’t HATE it but I knew, that once my milk came in I was screwed!

No more sexy Pleasure State bras for this mumma, oh no, it was all BIG Berlei bras…oh yeah baby!!!

Now I was never worried about not being able to breastfeed with implants as I made the decision to go under the muscle meaning the chances of being able to breastfeed were higher than those that went over the muscle or had had a reduction or lift previously. It was at the back of mind that breastfeeding would even be an issue as it was something I knew I wanted to do for myself and my baby. I never really knew how hard it would be though, the latching, the cluster feeds, the frustration (from her and me) and the pain of having to express due to the overflow of milk I had accumulated.

My midwife explained that I had enough milk to feed an entire maternity ward (that must be a fair bit huh?) so milk production was not my issue, it was the speed of my milk coming out that was the problem! Poor little bebe has been squirted that many times in the eye, nose well facial area in general. She gets so frustrated that it is coming out so fast that she has trouble staying latched on and started grunting at me – why so angry at the boob babe? Don’t be angry at it – you need it!

In the beginning I was like, ok, that’s cool, I’ll just keep trying to get her to stay latched on and see how that fares out. Well let me tell you something, it does not fare well at all. Some days she is ok and will stay on the boob for a good while, other times, she is so shitty at it that we both give up and I have to give her the expressed milk in a bottle to keep her content.

Now this may seem ok for you and others that are looking from the outside in, but, I feel like utter shit. I have cried to the point where I am a babbling mess due to frustration and she has cried along side me. Why can’t I do what I’m suppose to do as a maternal being? Am I failing? I want to breastfeed my baby yet it can’t always be like that. I feel like it is the only thing keeping me connected to my baby, our only bonding time (which I know is not true but you feel it you know?). If she is bottle fed, am I losing my baby to anyone who can feed her? What a selfish bitch I am being. After a chat with a friend that could not breastfeed, I had to really sit down and analyse my thinking. If I’m frustrated, my baby will be also. If she is agitated and crying, what good is it to keep pushing something on to her that just won’t happen? I want a happy baby. I want a healthy baby and if I have to bottle feed her then so be it. We will always have the strongest connection to each other, I’m her mum. I gave birth to her and no one can take that connection away from us (this is something I must remind myself everyday). I am her mum, what better bond is there?? None. We are a team.

I’m not happy about it, shit no. I will keep trying to feed her from the boob every chance I get. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Yes, I feel like I have failed a bit but you know what? I want what is best for my bebe and keeping her happy is my main priority.

If you cant breastfeed, who cares. Is your baby happy and healthy? Yes? Then well done mumma, you are doing an awesome job!

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