It is now the pointy end of the spectrum and I am shitting myself.
After a month of tightening contractions and no action, I have been told to sit tight and they will TALK about induction at my next appointment if we make it that far (between you and I, I hope the wheels start moving before that cause I am OFF THIS!!!!).
This is hard work, like reaaaaallllyyyyyy hard work. I am a massive ball of anxiety and I have to keep reassuring myself that I can totally do this. Women have been doing this since the beginning of time so it can most definitely be done, but, I have never done this before and I don’t know what to do. I am the type of person that needs to have everything planned and organised (I’m an OCD Virgoen so totes understandable). I don’t like that I can’t control when this little human will be here, I don’t like that I can’t control my body and its secretions (the vagina is not my friend right now), I don’t like that my emotions are all over the place and I don’t like that I can’t wipe my legs without help anymore. I am officially a vessel to another person that will be hanging off me for the next who knows how many years!! I sound like a bitch, an ungrateful and insensitive bitch but I have come to the conclusion that I get like this when I am NOT the one in control. My little girl is now the one in control and if she is anything like her mumma, she will be trying to get control of everything for the rest of her life (not always successfully I must say).
I am not sure if I am excited or not, I am not sure if I am worried or just cautious, I just don’t know. I have no qualms if I will be a good parent or if I will be able to handle the responsibilities, I accept the challenge and what is thrown my way BUT I would like some control. After seeing my midwife today she said one that thing that really struck me – YOU have been chosen to carry this amazing being, YOU are the one that she chose to have as her mum and THAT is the most amazing thing that can ever happen to a person. Yes you will be in pain, that’s a given, but that pain is short lived and the love of your baby is long lived so take this experience as a positive one and know that YOU can control how you deal with this process. It may not always go to plan, but what does? You know what would help? Wine – a massive glass of Sav to ease the nerves (Calm yourself, I’m not drinking NOW geez!).
So what did I learn today? I learnt that I can’t control the uncontrollable, that pregnancy lasts for 40 weeks so we can learn patience (cause we are going to need ALOT of that), that I WILL be ok and can totally do this. I can do this, I am already a mum and I’ve been practicing with the dog (she doesn’t like being in a swaddle PS – Soz Chloedawg) and our lives are about to change FOREVER!
Am I excited? Not yet. Am I scared? Hell yes. Am I prepared? Nope, as much as I would looove to be. Do I have an amazing yoncè that is ready for anything thrown at him? F&%k YES I do and because of that, I will be ok.
I will be ok. Bring it…..