Do I or don’t I? The question I’ve been asking myself the past few weeks. You’re probably thinking ‘what the hell is she talking about?’ I always want to be honest with you guys and I haven’t been. I don’t even know how to write this without sounding like an absolute idiot because that’s exactly how I feel.
I started this platform not just for myself but to help and offer support to other new mums who were experiencing the things I was and not having the greatest times. I wanted to keep it funny because if we can’t laugh, we’d cry right?? It’s no secret that I had the ‘baby blues’ for a while after Willow was born and it sucked. I thought I had beat its ass because I was doing what I was suppose to and being ‘mum’ but I don’t think I ever fully recovered. It’s now almost 2 years later and I’m not coping.
Yes I keep a happy face for those around me, I say I’m ‘ok’ when really inside my chest is so tight and I feel like it’s caving in. Yes I still do everything that a mum is meant to do. I look after my home, I love Willow unconditionally and I do all the things that keep everything flowing. But my brain. My brain is over processing EVERY SINGLE THING. I watch Willow play while I sit jaw clenched and teeth grinding. Meanwhile I look around the house and imagine all the things that she could hurt herself on or ingest and once again my chest tightens and I can’t breathe. I’m agitated because something is always out of place and it will never just ‘stay’ the way I put it. My throat closes and I can’t breathe. My head aches all the time because of the tension I put on my body by clenching my jaw, but I can’t stop. The part that makes me feel stupid is that I’m not unhappy. I’m far from it so why can’t I stop feeling the way I have been?
I sat down with my doctor (in between a screaming child) and told him everything I’d been feeling. Postnatal Anxiety. It’s a thing. I figured because PND happens in the first few months after birth that what was happening to me had no explanation. But here I am, suffering severe anxiety and now I know why. He offered medication but I refused. I had been on medication for years when I met Greg and it was terrible. I wasn’t doing that again. He offered someone for me to talk to and it took me back to when I had counselling after an abusive relationship that left me completely broken. I couldn’t breathe again and my chest felt like someone had put their hands around ribs and squeezed with all their strength. He was great and helped me to be calm and breathe. But I needed to sort this shitty thing out. I actually can’t keep feeling the way I do because it’s consuming me. It’s winning and I feel like I’ve got 40kg weights on each leg. I have to beat it. There is no option.
I have second thoughts on having another baby in fear that I will spiral down harder and not be able to cope on my own with a toddler (while Greg is at work). Yes, it has put the fear of getting pregnant in my mind as I can’t mentally cope with it just yet. I’m scared. I’m scared of losing a child, I’m scared of being a single mum because I pushed my husband away and didn’t get help for this, I’m scared of losing my job because I am stuck on autopilot. I’m so scared.
My Endometriosis and Adenomyosis has continued to grow and I’m back to feeling pain so indescribable. Every month it slaps me in the face and once again, my chest feels concaved. I feel like I’m standing on a road and a bus is about to come around the corner at 150km/ph and my feet are stuck in the road. I hate feeling like this. I FUCKING HATE IT!!! Will I try other methods to help? Of course. I need to. I need to for me and my family.
I didn’t want this to be a ‘poor me’ post, I wanted to speak up so that if anyone else is feeling like me that they know it’s ok to get help. It’s ok not to be ok. Speak to someone, anyone. Just don’t do what I did and say you’re ok when clearly, you aren’t. Don’t get to the point where every little thing can cause an attack. Mental Health is nothing to push aside as just a ‘thing you’ll get over’. Sometimes it’s a little more than that and you need supportive people around you.
Be the person you want your little human to grow up be like.